I Wish You knew How Much I Love You


Renan couldn't hide his excitement to see Janice. He was smiling by himself while walking. He was trying to hide his emotions by preventing himself from glimpsing, however, it was not possible. In his imagination, he was thinking how happy Janice would be seeing him again.

"Mister, where can I find this adress?"

Renan kept asking people he encountered in the street. He was told that Janice moved to a different small village. Luckily, when Janice visited him once, she left her new address. That was the last time they saw each other because until then, Janice never came back. Years passed, and after almost 7 years, Renan decided to visit her. He didn't send a message or anything that could notify Janice about his visit.

He was following the directions of the people he asked. He could not wait to see Janice and finally, slowly, Janice was showing up a little bit far from him looking in sideways. Renan was so happy seeing Janice at last. He wanted to call her loud but he prevented himself not to. He was walking slowly while walking towards Janice. Though, it felt like every step he made took an hour before he could make another one. He was excited, so much that he wanted to hug her tightly.

Janice on the other way, smiling. Renan was curious and he stopped walking for now. Then, all of a sudden, he didn't know what was going on. His tears started falling. He felt like the world smacked him so hard. He was having a hard time breathing. Of what he saw, he felt so much pain. Something was piercing his heart a couple of times. He couldn't believe what he just saw.


"Mother, let's go now?"

A child was calling Janice a mother and Renan was very sure that it was not his son. He was in prison for almost 7 years and from the appearance of the child he looked like he was 5 or 6 years old. Renan suddenly remembered what had happened to him in the previous years.


Civilian police officers came inside his friend's house. They broke the door and Renan, with his friends, was caught in the act of using drugs. He couldn't do anything but was stunned for a minute and remained puzzled. He did not know what was going on and immediately regretted what he did. He was begging to spare his life but it was impossible. He kept crying while walking inside and what hurt the most was when Janice saw him escorted with the police officers in handcuffs.

"Renan…." Janice called him when Renan left without saying Hi.

"I never knew you were released from prison?"
Renan stopped when Janice approached him.

"Hmmm, yeah, I was thinking of surprising you but I was the one being surprised. "
Renan said while faking himself to smile.

"So, you have a family now?" Renan confirmed Janice.

"Sorry but yeah, I thought you wouldn't be free from prison since your case involved a volume of drugs," Janice explained with a pang of guilt on her face.

"Hmmm, yeah, just lucky maybe," Renan joked while forcing himself to smile.

"I'm really sorry, Renan-"

"No, don't be Janice," Renan interrupted Janice.

"As long as you are happy, I'm fine with it."

"Thank you Renan," Janice replied.

Janice's reply hurt Renan even more because he realized that Janice accepted the reality that there would be no chance for them.

"So, I'm going…."

Renan did not say anything more and did not stay for long because he would just create a flood there. He smiled at Janice before looking back but actually, the smile was fake. When he was quite far and could not be seen by Janice he released all the pain. He cried as hard as he could and continued walking.

He could not believe what had happened but he could not do anything about it.

"I wish you knew how much I love you, Janice." He said it to himself in silence.