Hallucinatory

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I woke up in this world without no idea who I am. I just named myself Stain and I also declared I'm 20 years old. I have no family or friends because I have no memory who I am. When I just woke up I had no idea what to do. I felt like I didn't belong here. Where would I go, where would stay or whom I would call. Basically, I felt so empty and didn't know what to do since I woke up. I was like that crazy 3 months ago, a homeless person who was just asking food to eat and slept when I found a place to shelter myself from cold and rain.

After 3 months and counting, I'm better now. I have friends to hang out and I have a place to stay because I'm already working now. The feeling I feel now is so amazing. There's someone I can talk to and can have fun. Not only that I didn't feel lonely anymore. Jake, Pio, Danilo, Sandra and my crush Jea always invited me when they went into the beach. It was fun being with them even though my head was aching by drinking too much. I just said to myself that it's fine because I love it and it's not that it will be all the time.

My usual day is going to work every morning and spending time outside by neighbours and friends. Sometimes we are drinking a little just to make the conversation sweeter. Only sometimes because we didn't drink every day. We are just enjoying the time together and just killing it. We always do that if we don't have anything to do. But if we still have something to do we will wait for that someone until we group ourselves. I don't understand but something inside my heart is so happy. I don't know if I'm just being overreacting but having a feeling like this feels nostalgic. I have no clue because even my real identity I have no idea of it.

There were times blurred memories are popping in my head. I couldn't tell or couldn't remember well because my head will hurt every time I will remember it. I just then forget it because if I do remember it, it will just make me sad. I'm confused who really I am but I decided not to dig deeper or else I may found myself hurting again. I better ignore those stupid memories to avoid unnecessary feeling. Why would I let myself hurt when there's a way how not to? From then on I'll never think of it again and goes to my friends if ever those memories will be back. I will make myself busy for me to block that kind of memories flashing in my head.

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I woke up late when I checked the time. My head is heavy but I don't understand why. I didn't drink liquors last night to have this kind of illness. I also checked the date and it's on November 9, 2020. After learning the date I suddenly feel down.

"Waitttttt, what happens to me?" I asked myself.

I'm feeling weaker like my whole body is shaking. I want to cry but I have no idea why again. Only my tears fall without my consent to make it fall. I feel so much sadness, having an agony like someone dies that is very dear to me. I can't help it and it's making me crazy. I search for my friends to hang out. I don't want to go to work today because I really feel sad inside. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to forget this pain I feel inside. I want to be happy and forget this sadness.

I was searching for almost a day already because the sun is setting now. I wonder why I can't see someone. I keep looking around and the surrounding.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?" I shouted.

There's not a single person in our place I can find. It's so impossible to be this way. I think I'm going crazy as I press my head and look around me. I feel like being suffocated because of wanting to see someone but no one to find. I don't like it, I feel the emptiness again. How is this happening when just yesterday I had so much fun with friends. I couldn't help myself any longer so I cry so much.

"Lord please, explain it to me why," I beg while watching the sky.

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I don't understand while I'm feeling frustrated because of not a single person to see. I'm walking towards a cemetery. I'm afraid to see what am I thinking but it's better to know what's happening. I thought that maybe all of them died which I'm hoping it's not true. I slowly walking while feeling sad.

I arrived at the cemetery and I saw my friends there facing a grave. For an instant, I feel happy because I saw them there. I'm smiling with a few tears falling because of happiness.

"So you are all here. You made me afraid again." I told them but they don't look at me.

"Hey, what's wrong," I asked them.

Their faces are so sad facing that single grave. Flowers, foods and liquors are being placed and Pio starts talking.

"Jhake, it has been a year since you left. We are hoping that you're doing fine there."

I couldn't believe what I just heard. I'm speechless and being shocked. I thought that I have someone the same name as I am. I feel pity for that person but when I tried to touch the shoulder of Pio to comfort him. I couldn't touch him and I repeated touching him. I still can't so to make sure that what I'm thinking is wrong. I tried touching all of them as I'm shouting that "I'm here." But failed because I no longer exist in the land of the living. I'm already dead and I tried to remember what happened. Maybe being a ghost cannot remember what happened to them. No matter how squeezed my brain no memories of me will come. I came to conclusions that all that I saw from previous days with them were all hallucinations. I had those hallucinations because I still can't accept that I already died.

It's painful but what else can I do. I just cry and cry and stop when my crush Jea said.

"Please rest in peace now Jake."

My tears endlessly falling as I'm watching them. I then accepted that I don't exist anymore. I picked the bottle of liquor and drink it. They are shocked because of it but I just want to tell them that I'm thankful for what they did to me until this time. Now that I accepted already my fate. I am slowly fading and will start to join in heaven.

END

mr