City of Manila
I grew up with low self-esteem. I was looking at what surrounded me. Our house was broken, holes in my clothes and our food were not delicious. I don't need to shout at that time because I knew. But I didn't know those children they kept on saying it repeatedly. I'm ugly, I smelled stink like a fish and we had no money to buy delicious food.
Lumaki akong mababa ang tingin sa sarili. Pinagmasdan ko ang aking paligid. Sira-sira ang bahay namin, butas-butas ang damit ko at hindi masarap ang aming pagkain. Hindi na kailangan ipagsigawan dahil alam ko naman. Ewan ko ba bakit kapwa ko bata paulit-ulit nila akong tinotukso. Pangit daw ako, amoy isda ako at walang pera pambili ng masarap na pagkain.
The world was cruel to me. How many times I cried because of their bullying. Even though I cried many times and how much I shouted with agony. They never stopped doing so. I cried right away from the first word they spoke. I did that to pity me and make them stop. I think they're numb or just stupid. They continued even though I kept on crying.
Malupit ang mundo sa akin. Ilang beses na akong umiyak sa kanilang mga tukso. Ngunit kahit ilang beses at gaano kalakas ang hagolgol ko sa pag-iyak. Mga tao sa paligid ayaw pa rin akong tigilan. Umiyak naman agad amo sa twing may lalabas na salita sa bibig nila. Ginawa ko naman yon para maawa sila at hihinto nalang. Tingin ko manhid sila o nagbaliwbaliwan. Ayaw pa rin nila akong tigilan.
I told my Father I didn't want to go home. I was crying while begging my Mother. They still sent me to school. I wasn't having fun in school anymore. I had no interest in having friends in that establishment. I just thought all of them there were demons. The judgemental red eyes. The murmuring mouth that never stops laughing. I felt tired of being mocked. I didn't do anything to them. I avoided becoming bad even if they're being too much. I just imagined complete darkness that surrounded me. I couldn't hear anything and couldn't see anything.
Ayoko ng mag-aral pakiusap ko kay Itay. Umiiyak akong nagmamakaawa kay Inay. Pero dinala pa rin nila ako sa paaralan. Hindi na ako masaya sa paaralan. Wala na akong balak makipag kaibigan sa gusaling yon. Tingin ko demonyo lahat ang andoon. Mapupulang mata na mapanghusga. Madaldal na bunganga'ng walang tigil sa pagtawa. Pagod na akong kinokotya nila. Wala naman akong ginagawa sakanila. Iniwasan ko nga'ng maging masama kahit sobra na sila. Iniisip ko nalang napakadilim ng paligid. Upang wala akong marinig at makita.
I had the worst childhood because of bullying. I couldn't remember happy memories. Enraged and hate was in my world. Life was so unfair that I was the centre of mockery. It's fine to laugh with friends but the friends I thought was the one laughed hard at me. I forced myself to be alone even though I wanted to be with everyone. I forced myself not to belong to avoid the same tomorrow. I prevented myself to smile in a fake world. I had no right to laugh when my life was tainted with bullies. I thought it's better not to have friends rather than living a world of lies.
Kay paet ng kabataan ko dahil sa tukso. Wala akong maalalang masayang kahapon. Lahat at poot at pagkamuhi sa mundo. Hindi kasi patas para ako lang lagi ang pagtatawanan. Ayos lang sana kung tumawa ako kasama ang kaibigan. Kaso ang inaakala kong kaibigan ako'y pinagkaisahan lang. Kaya pinilit kong mapag-isa kahit gusto kong may kasama. Pinilit ko nalang umiwas para maging iba ang bukas. Pinigilan ang sariling ngumiti sa huwad na mundo. Wala akong karapatan maging masaya kung ang buhay ko ay bahid ng tukso. Mas mabuti ng walang kaibigan kesa lolokohin ka lang.
Thank you for reading